Uncovering a Sense of Worth
At the end of 2020, I did a six-month training in ritual that centred worthiness. Unlike other training I’ve done, it was extremely personal and there wasn't a specific goal to go out and teach after we finished. It was an exploration of my own connection to self, to understand the places I feel unworthy and how valuable the magic of ritual can be to help us unlock parts of ourselves that feel full of shame or doubt.
I have spent so much of my time on this planet steeped in indecision, inaction and unworthiness. It’s so unproductive and yet - it’s so natural for many of us to err on the side of caution when it comes to trusting we have something to say, a right to be in the world, the license to make the things we want to make or do the things we want to do.
For me, it hasn’t really been a process of finding this ‘worth’ somewhere in the ephemeral - it’s more about sweeping out and shedding beliefs that were never mine to begin with and uncovering a deep sense of worth that’s already there. I know that’s also true for lots of people. We so often hear creative minds talk about how much they struggle with imposter syndrome when from the outside looking in they are completely brilliant and their work is invaluable.
The Tantric concept of anavamala is so helpful in terms of self-worth and why I’ve been talking about it so much lately. In Kashmir Shaivism, the system of teachings I study and teach from, there are three malas, which are the basic contractions that we are all born with. Anavamala is the contraction of our basic awesome power - it is our basic sense of unworthiness (which often manifests as giving our power over to people, places and things). Mayiyamala is the contraction of our basic oneness with all things (the feeling of being separate from another) and Karmamala is the contraction of our basic freedom (it manifests as the feeling that we have to 'do' in order to 'be').
It is such a powerful concept to learn and study because it sort of lets us off the hook. If I’m born with a contraction that makes me forget my basic awesome power, it allows those feelings of unworthiness to be ok. The work for me, then, is to try to uncover and remember rather than search for something that’s outside of myself. How freeing!
I’m teaching another movement and meditation workshop on19 February at 12 pm EST/5 pm UK about this exact theme: WORTH. If you sign up to my Patreon it’s included in your membership (with a bunch of other great content), but you can also come as a one-off by signing up here.
We will focus on reclaiming that power for yourself - in whatever area of your life you may need it. There is nothing wrong with feeling unworthy: it’s a normal human reaction. What I’m interested in is helping you uncover the places where your worth may be covered up to make room for it to come through.
I haven’t had a listicle moment in a while, so I thought I would throw one in today, it is Friday after all. Check it out below.
With love,
READING WATCHING LISTENING LEARNING
Alicia Kennedy is a food writer based in Puerto Rico with an excellent Substack I recommend to anyone who has even a vague passing in food. She writes on decolonisation in food, vegan recipes (this week’s missive included and incredible sounding mushroom pate), climate change and more.
This Brian Eno and John Cale collab Spinning Away is knocking my socks off this week.
It’s Black History Month in the US and Anti-Racism Daily is doing an email series called 28 Days of Black History. It’s not too late to join!
If you haven’t seen Portrait of a Lady On Fire may I suggest running to your closest streaming cue immediately? It was the last in-person film I went to before the pandemic hit and I was blown away. I went to a screening followed by a q + a with the director, Céline Sciamma who was equally brilliant as she was charming. This profile on her from last week’s New Yorker gave me pause that that was really 2 years ago, and also reminded me of her brilliance.